It’s amazing what our world offers us these days. If you think about it for a few moments and compare the lives we live in 2011 to those of the 1700’s, just 300 years, the difference is like night and day. The odd thing is, the more we have the less satisfied we seem to be. Look around you and see all of the conveniences in your life. Is there not enough? Maybe we have all become pawns of Madison Avenue, being told on a continual basis that what we have is not good enough, fast enough or shiny enough. Have we been brainwashed by the advertising agencies of manufactures hoping to make a bigger profit than last quarter? Is it the void that all people feel, looking for things to fill it? Lost souls that refuse the grace of God believing that the acquisition of stuff will make them whole? Sometimes I wonder how far we can go in life, with this prevailing attitude of our society, before it crashes in around us. Does being dissatisfied with the material things in our lives lead to dissatisfaction with marriages, relationships, good jobs and the like? Bad decisions brought on by influences that we don’t really understand. I have looked at the grass across the fence and thought it beautiful. The sad truth is though, once there, I found roots rotted and merely a façade of green. Most of the time one looks back with regret and notices that the original patch of ground held its own beauty and comfort. Surely we can step back across the fence and rejoin a simpler yet more wholesome existence. In the movie Lonesome Dove, Gus tells the girl Lorie “the only healthy way to live life is to learn to like all the little everyday things, like a sip of good whiskey in the evening, a soft bed, a glass of buttermilk or a feisty old gentleman like myself”. I believe old Gus was on to something there. It’s like a book that I used to read to my children, Simple Pictures Are Best. I think simple pleasures are best too.
I suppose that I came to this notion recently while taking a shower. Do you ever think about the shower? How wonderful that thing is. When I have worked outside in the sweltering heat, it washes away the sweat and grime of the day. It cools my body and makes me feel whole. For a time, the cares of this world wash away down the drain. When its cold out, the hot water and steam bring such comfort that it is hard to describe. Pulling the curtain closed, surrounded by that warmth it’s almost as if I’ve reentered the womb, comfortable and secure. In my mind, there’s not a thing in the world that can top a good shower. I certainly wouldn’t replace it with money, prestige or power. Can you imagine what someone from the 1700’s would have thought of this modern convenience? I suppose many people went weeks and possibly months without the opportunity to get themselves really clean. Ever hear of that old adage, “don’t throw the baby out with the bath water”? To top it all off, we get to dry ourselves with thick, rough towels that stimulate the skin, possibly warm, just out of the dryer. This all goes without really speaking much of toothbrushes, floss and deodorant. The honest truth is that in this fast paced world, we take such things for granted, not giving them a second thought. I would venture to say that our ancestors would scorn us to shame for the irreverence we display at such a simple yet marvelous advent in human living. Some days I just know that I can’t go out there and do it. That is until I take that shower. The world, and my life, seems to be a little brighter afterward and I find myself heading out the door.
When I was a child I lived next door to my grandfather. His house was actually an old mess hall for Confederate officers, Civil War era. The house had electricity but did not have any indoor plumbing. There was a well outside that we drew water from. This was used for drinking, cooking, bathing and washing clothes. Have you ever used a ringer washer? It was a pretty amazing contraption for its time. It was however, kind of labor intensive to use. Compare that to what we use today. Put in the soap, put in the clothes, turn the knob and voila! Clean clothes. I wonder how many people that are adults, in this world today, have had to hang out clothes on a line to dry as a matter of necessity? My grandfather had a chamber pot in his bedroom. He called it a slop jar but I can imagine how nice it must have been when faced with the prospect of putting one’s clothes on in the middle of the night to trudge out to the outhouse. We wake in the middle of the night and feel our way down the hall to the bathroom, do our business and flush. We don’t have to be concerned with “throwing out the slop” in the morning. We do this in a temperature controlled environment in our bare feet and undies and are not concerned about the possibility of snakes or spiders. If we need the light, we flip the switch. We don’t have to search for the flashlight or light an oil lamp. Talk about convenience. I’d bet Colonial Americans would have thought it pretty cool.
You know there are other things in life that that could, in truth, bring us great joy and peace. When you get into your car and drive down the road are you not constantly amazed at the miracle of the automobile? I suspect that most of the people on this planet take a conveyance like the car, truck, motorcycle, whatever for granted as well. Think for a minute of how long it would have taken someone in the 1700’s to travel 70 miles. It takes us one hour and that seems an inconvenience to us. Aside from the lust for “more”, the problem I see is that we are moving so fast with so many things on our minds and so many distractions that we fail to notice or appreciate these things. Driving to work one morning last week, I was taken by how aggressive and determined most of the drivers really are. In that morning commute, people are trying to get ahead at all costs even if it means reckless behavior at 75mph. It’s as if there is an unwritten rule that cutting your neighbor off is ok if it lands you in front. Is this a consequence of the desire to acquire more stuff? Is this attitude of our society the reason we don’t or can’t appreciate the simple pleasures in our lives? Maybe it stems from the perspective that “it’s all about me”. I don’t see how anyone can appreciate something simple and pleasurable that potentially does good for all when they are so wrapped up in themselves.
Yesterday, I was pushing a cart through a local big box store when a man turns the corner and pushes his cart toward me. In his cart sat a little girl who, in a sudden burst of energy, enthusiasm and excitement says “daddy, daddy, stop right here, there it is!”. I was amazed at her open expression of innocent exuberance. It made me laugh out loud. The dad looked at me and he laughed as well. It was a beautiful, simple thing that lifted my spirit. It reinforced my understanding that simple pleasures are best. That experience was, in a word, priceless. You couldn’t buy that. You couldn’t coerce, manipulate or abuse someone to get it. It was openly and freely there and I noticed and it made me happy. Really there are many things that we take for granted but if we will take the time to appreciate them for the wonderful things they are in our lives, we can become better people for it. More balanced. Happier.
A kind word. A smile. Understanding. Compassion. Love. A warm bed. A hot meal. Rain. Sunshine. Good health. A good friend. A good book. A good movie.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Child Care
When I was sixteen years old I knew what I wanted to do in life, in a general sense. Fundamentally, I wanted to be a husband and father. Looking back on that time, it seems odd that a young man should want such a thing. That was me though. I have no idea what motivated my desire for this, I just seemed to know as if that one thing was the strongest, most consistent chord in my being. As if, that was to be my purpose in life. I even remember praying to God about it one day when I was about nineteen. Though I had been raised in a somewhat Christian home, I didn’t really live my life that way. I was out on my own and basically living wild but that longing just never seemed to subside. I felt that if I presented this to God, he would hear me and it would come to pass. Within weeks I met the girl that became my wife and though she did not want to have children at first, by the time our marriage ended we had lots of kids, much more than most other couples. So, in the end, it all came to pass. I had become a husband and father.
Many of you have children and know what joy it can be to nurture and raise them. Sometimes it is sweet and sometimes bitter sweet. It helps us to grow personally and lets us see that there are some things larger and more important than ourselves. You sacrifice your own desires in anticipation of seeing your child’s hopes and dreams realized. You teach them the best that you know how and hope that some of it sticks. As they get older, you watch in sadness as they grow away from you. It seems that no matter how often you write letters to them, call them on the phone or send them e-mail, that effort to communicate is merely entering the void. Sometimes, it seems as if you don’t even exist to them anymore. It makes me wonder how consistent I was in communicating with my parents at that age.
Regardless of how they may feel about their parents once they’ve grown, I have noticed one consistent thing about my kids as they have become adults. They are more than willing to communicate when they need help with something. From comfort to money, a roof over their heads, co-signing for a loan or rescue from a bad situation brought on by a poor decision. Though they may have friends to call on, the truth in most cases is that the friends are as ill equipped to solve the problem as they are. The answer is almost invariably dad or mom. I don’t mean to deride the children for this. I am actually quite thankful for the opportunity to help them. If helping them in a situation that they have lost control of is the only way I’m likely to have any kind of meaningful relationship with them, I welcome it. As an added benefit, it allows me to continue that education/learning process, even if it is abbreviated and even if there isn’t much time.
Recently, I had an opportunity with my oldest daughter. She lives in another state and called me the Monday before Thanksgiving with tears in her voice. Her only vehicle was broken and she had nowhere else to turn but me. I had two days off that week and told her not to worry, that I would be there on Wednesday morning. Now, I have a good job that pays well but to be honest, there is never much discretionary income in my life. Since I know a good deal about cars and what it takes to keep them running, I knew this was going to be expensive. It didn’t matter to me though. All part of that “sacrificing your own desires” sort of thing. If you’ve made up your mind that you would die for your children then nothing material could ever present a real problem in helping one of them. To be truthful, I was looking forward to seeing her, helping her and in my innermost heart, being a hero to my little girl again. As an aging parent with grown children, I don’t know if there is any other way to reestablish that bond that I still feel but suspect that they do not even think about anymore.
I did get to her and helped her work out an acceptable solution to the car problem. If you have ever done any auto type work then you’ll understand that what seems straight forward on the face of something can sometimes turn into a nightmare of extra expense, labor and time. Since I had limited time and finances, I was praying that all would go smoothly and efficiently. The morning I arrived was cold and I didn’t have any thermals to wear so instead of buying parts and getting started at the outset, I went to a local store to get some warmer clothes. Just as I pulled back into the lot where she broke down, I got a call from her. A friend had an old Toyota truck that she would be willing to give my daughter if we could get it started. Well, it did start and with a few minor parts runs like a dream. The emergency car repair of Thanksgiving 2010 had gone in a direction that none of us expected. I like to think that God does answer prayers and it seems that he does move in mysterious ways. Her main vehicle still needs to be repaired but I think that it can wait for a bit now. I’ll head back up there one day soon and get that straight for her.
When everything was said and done my reward was the genuine hug I got from one of my children. Her face buried in my chest telling me softly “I love you dad. Thank you for coming to help me”. The tension I felt in her when I first got there was gone. Her shoulders felt relaxed and relieved, the immediate burden lifted. I’ll take that any day. As I got into my vehicle for the long drive back to here she was already planning her day’s activities and moving on with her life. I guess that’s just the way it is. Until next time.
Many of you have children and know what joy it can be to nurture and raise them. Sometimes it is sweet and sometimes bitter sweet. It helps us to grow personally and lets us see that there are some things larger and more important than ourselves. You sacrifice your own desires in anticipation of seeing your child’s hopes and dreams realized. You teach them the best that you know how and hope that some of it sticks. As they get older, you watch in sadness as they grow away from you. It seems that no matter how often you write letters to them, call them on the phone or send them e-mail, that effort to communicate is merely entering the void. Sometimes, it seems as if you don’t even exist to them anymore. It makes me wonder how consistent I was in communicating with my parents at that age.
Regardless of how they may feel about their parents once they’ve grown, I have noticed one consistent thing about my kids as they have become adults. They are more than willing to communicate when they need help with something. From comfort to money, a roof over their heads, co-signing for a loan or rescue from a bad situation brought on by a poor decision. Though they may have friends to call on, the truth in most cases is that the friends are as ill equipped to solve the problem as they are. The answer is almost invariably dad or mom. I don’t mean to deride the children for this. I am actually quite thankful for the opportunity to help them. If helping them in a situation that they have lost control of is the only way I’m likely to have any kind of meaningful relationship with them, I welcome it. As an added benefit, it allows me to continue that education/learning process, even if it is abbreviated and even if there isn’t much time.
Recently, I had an opportunity with my oldest daughter. She lives in another state and called me the Monday before Thanksgiving with tears in her voice. Her only vehicle was broken and she had nowhere else to turn but me. I had two days off that week and told her not to worry, that I would be there on Wednesday morning. Now, I have a good job that pays well but to be honest, there is never much discretionary income in my life. Since I know a good deal about cars and what it takes to keep them running, I knew this was going to be expensive. It didn’t matter to me though. All part of that “sacrificing your own desires” sort of thing. If you’ve made up your mind that you would die for your children then nothing material could ever present a real problem in helping one of them. To be truthful, I was looking forward to seeing her, helping her and in my innermost heart, being a hero to my little girl again. As an aging parent with grown children, I don’t know if there is any other way to reestablish that bond that I still feel but suspect that they do not even think about anymore.
I did get to her and helped her work out an acceptable solution to the car problem. If you have ever done any auto type work then you’ll understand that what seems straight forward on the face of something can sometimes turn into a nightmare of extra expense, labor and time. Since I had limited time and finances, I was praying that all would go smoothly and efficiently. The morning I arrived was cold and I didn’t have any thermals to wear so instead of buying parts and getting started at the outset, I went to a local store to get some warmer clothes. Just as I pulled back into the lot where she broke down, I got a call from her. A friend had an old Toyota truck that she would be willing to give my daughter if we could get it started. Well, it did start and with a few minor parts runs like a dream. The emergency car repair of Thanksgiving 2010 had gone in a direction that none of us expected. I like to think that God does answer prayers and it seems that he does move in mysterious ways. Her main vehicle still needs to be repaired but I think that it can wait for a bit now. I’ll head back up there one day soon and get that straight for her.
When everything was said and done my reward was the genuine hug I got from one of my children. Her face buried in my chest telling me softly “I love you dad. Thank you for coming to help me”. The tension I felt in her when I first got there was gone. Her shoulders felt relaxed and relieved, the immediate burden lifted. I’ll take that any day. As I got into my vehicle for the long drive back to here she was already planning her day’s activities and moving on with her life. I guess that’s just the way it is. Until next time.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Road Trip
It was that time of year again. I had been waiting for twelve long months. Suffering through the heat of what seemed like an endless summer and numerous reasons why I should take off from work. It takes a certain amount of discipline to be faithful to your plan, for a good vacation. Sometimes, it felt as if I were gritting my teeth against the burden of work and the world, pushing on through a storm of adverse things toward a light in the distance. Often I had to stop and remind myself to be patient. Thinking about what it would be like in October, I could see myself doing the things that made me feel a little free. The mornings would be crisper and cooler. The air would smell cleaner and would be filled with the scent of changed leaves. Autumn signals such a significant turn for me. The rush is over. It’s a time to breathe a sigh of relief and reflect on life. A prelude to the stillness and quietness of winter. God only knows what that says about my character and personality. In all truth, I long for autumn (and winter) and mourn its departure. To me, it feels like love and peace and happiness. It’s as if I am being folded back into the arms of protection and grace. The fullness of life pushed into a few months time.
The day finally came. We packed, slept and then hit the road. I think that any long drive is worth the time when you know what waits for you at the end. The mountains of North Carolina are only seven hours from where I live. I was on my way home. Though I’m sure that I appeared to be the same old guy in the process of travel, in my heart I was happy. Just the thought of being at a higher altitude, surrounded by the hills and trees makes my soul feel lighter. Last year I was sick with a cold but this time I felt right as rain. The weather was supposed to be nice and like a child, I could barely wait to be outside in it. I’d been planning a different hiking route than I took the past year and was looking forward to the challenge and change of perspective on the mountain. Funny how, after so many years of not hiking, that this renewed interest still brings me such joy. I can’t help but to say though that while hitting a trail with a friend is great, sometimes it’s so much more pleasant to keep your own company up there.
One of the great things about the folks we visit is that they have what’s called an outdoor room. To me, it’s beautifully made and has a very nice fireplace. Since the elevation there is about four thousand feet, it’s very cool in the mornings. What a treat to sit in front of a roaring fire and drink coffee as day breaks. It’s not terribly uncommon to see deer and turkey walk past and if there is no such excitement, the wind in the trees and the falling leaves are good enough. I honestly believe that I could live in that environment for the rest of my life. Sometimes I think what a shame it is that working at a job has to get in the way of such things. I believe that we are all better off being productive with our hands but somehow I’ve got this notion that I could find things to keep myself busy that would meld better with that environment.
I did get to go on my hike. Six miles that was, at times, a fairly rough go. There were places where it was nearly vertical and really, hand over hand. The mountain has in-place ladders in spots that some brave soul hauled the lumber up there for and built on site. There are also steel cables in places where I had to traverse and one would be unwise to ignore using them for support. Didn’t get to see the Peregrine Falcons that are nesting in the area but the NC park service advises not to disturb them so I didn’t pry. I will say however that the view from the top was really quite awe inspiring. Miles and miles of unobstructed view of the Blue Ridge, like waves in a great ocean caught still in time. Elevation at that point was over a mile high and the air was noticeably thinner. By the time I got to the top, I had started to sweat in my layers and considered peeling some of the clothes off. It’s when I came over the last rock crest that I caught the chill wind blowing, about twenty miles per hour up that north face. A quick change of heart had me considering the jacket inside the pack. Judging by the dwarf, stunted trees all growing with the wind, I suppose it blows like that most of the year up there. I didn’t really think that I would see anyone else on the trail that morning. Surprisingly, I did meet some very nice folks while eating my lunch. A father and daughter. A young man and his girl. A pastor and one of his church members. I spoke with them all and took away some small part of their lives with me down the trail. What wonderful interactions they were. All in all it was about seven hours of hiking time and for me, time well spent. Though I enjoyed the entire trip on the trail, I always feel a little bit of loss when in the exit mode. I think it’s just because I don’t want to come down. Somehow, I think God’s creation must know if we appreciate what we have in it. As I rested on the tailgate of my truck at the end of a wonderful day, a beautiful butterfly landed on my pants leg and just rested there for a long time. Maybe he was just moseying around looking for something edible but I didn’t want to see it that way. I wanted to think he felt connected to me in some way. We are all God’s creatures on this earth together.
Another benefit of my trip this year is that my oldest daughter now lives in the mountains of North Carolina. She moved there about a year ago and has been asking when I could come up to see her. For the last five years my family has been fractured. I don’t really get to see my kids often. Now that the children are getting older, some have moved off to other places. It was fortunate for me that my oldest daughter lives near where I was staying. I had not seen her in quite some time and it gave me such joy to hold her in my arms and say I love you and say that I have missed you. She is quite the girl, that one. Beautiful, strong and independent would a good description. Fragile in some ways though, considering all of our family circumstances. She led us on a little four wheeling expedition and that was fun. Helping her move to a new place and just spending time together was one of the most heart lifting things I’ve done in a long time.
Now that I’m back in my day to day world it makes me sigh. Sort of an empty longing for things I can’t have yet. It makes working and living here hard some days. When you know what life can be, living with what you have right now seems to lack the luster of what you hope for. I don’t mean to say that my life here in this place does not have promise and hope, it does. It just requires an adjustment to one’s perspective to see the joy that can be. I shouldn’t complain, I have a pretty good life by comparison to some. The Lord takes care of and is good to me. I’m carrying that hope though. The one that takes me home to the mountains and my daughter.
The day finally came. We packed, slept and then hit the road. I think that any long drive is worth the time when you know what waits for you at the end. The mountains of North Carolina are only seven hours from where I live. I was on my way home. Though I’m sure that I appeared to be the same old guy in the process of travel, in my heart I was happy. Just the thought of being at a higher altitude, surrounded by the hills and trees makes my soul feel lighter. Last year I was sick with a cold but this time I felt right as rain. The weather was supposed to be nice and like a child, I could barely wait to be outside in it. I’d been planning a different hiking route than I took the past year and was looking forward to the challenge and change of perspective on the mountain. Funny how, after so many years of not hiking, that this renewed interest still brings me such joy. I can’t help but to say though that while hitting a trail with a friend is great, sometimes it’s so much more pleasant to keep your own company up there.
One of the great things about the folks we visit is that they have what’s called an outdoor room. To me, it’s beautifully made and has a very nice fireplace. Since the elevation there is about four thousand feet, it’s very cool in the mornings. What a treat to sit in front of a roaring fire and drink coffee as day breaks. It’s not terribly uncommon to see deer and turkey walk past and if there is no such excitement, the wind in the trees and the falling leaves are good enough. I honestly believe that I could live in that environment for the rest of my life. Sometimes I think what a shame it is that working at a job has to get in the way of such things. I believe that we are all better off being productive with our hands but somehow I’ve got this notion that I could find things to keep myself busy that would meld better with that environment.
I did get to go on my hike. Six miles that was, at times, a fairly rough go. There were places where it was nearly vertical and really, hand over hand. The mountain has in-place ladders in spots that some brave soul hauled the lumber up there for and built on site. There are also steel cables in places where I had to traverse and one would be unwise to ignore using them for support. Didn’t get to see the Peregrine Falcons that are nesting in the area but the NC park service advises not to disturb them so I didn’t pry. I will say however that the view from the top was really quite awe inspiring. Miles and miles of unobstructed view of the Blue Ridge, like waves in a great ocean caught still in time. Elevation at that point was over a mile high and the air was noticeably thinner. By the time I got to the top, I had started to sweat in my layers and considered peeling some of the clothes off. It’s when I came over the last rock crest that I caught the chill wind blowing, about twenty miles per hour up that north face. A quick change of heart had me considering the jacket inside the pack. Judging by the dwarf, stunted trees all growing with the wind, I suppose it blows like that most of the year up there. I didn’t really think that I would see anyone else on the trail that morning. Surprisingly, I did meet some very nice folks while eating my lunch. A father and daughter. A young man and his girl. A pastor and one of his church members. I spoke with them all and took away some small part of their lives with me down the trail. What wonderful interactions they were. All in all it was about seven hours of hiking time and for me, time well spent. Though I enjoyed the entire trip on the trail, I always feel a little bit of loss when in the exit mode. I think it’s just because I don’t want to come down. Somehow, I think God’s creation must know if we appreciate what we have in it. As I rested on the tailgate of my truck at the end of a wonderful day, a beautiful butterfly landed on my pants leg and just rested there for a long time. Maybe he was just moseying around looking for something edible but I didn’t want to see it that way. I wanted to think he felt connected to me in some way. We are all God’s creatures on this earth together.
Another benefit of my trip this year is that my oldest daughter now lives in the mountains of North Carolina. She moved there about a year ago and has been asking when I could come up to see her. For the last five years my family has been fractured. I don’t really get to see my kids often. Now that the children are getting older, some have moved off to other places. It was fortunate for me that my oldest daughter lives near where I was staying. I had not seen her in quite some time and it gave me such joy to hold her in my arms and say I love you and say that I have missed you. She is quite the girl, that one. Beautiful, strong and independent would a good description. Fragile in some ways though, considering all of our family circumstances. She led us on a little four wheeling expedition and that was fun. Helping her move to a new place and just spending time together was one of the most heart lifting things I’ve done in a long time.
Now that I’m back in my day to day world it makes me sigh. Sort of an empty longing for things I can’t have yet. It makes working and living here hard some days. When you know what life can be, living with what you have right now seems to lack the luster of what you hope for. I don’t mean to say that my life here in this place does not have promise and hope, it does. It just requires an adjustment to one’s perspective to see the joy that can be. I shouldn’t complain, I have a pretty good life by comparison to some. The Lord takes care of and is good to me. I’m carrying that hope though. The one that takes me home to the mountains and my daughter.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Computer Woes
I’m an electronics technician by vocation. That’s what I was trained to be, by the US Navy. I worked in that field for the best part of my adult life and have experience in a fairly broad area of applications. I did not however, have a natural aptitude for it and had to work at learning basic and advance concepts and how to apply them to my world. As the years rolled by and I grew into some maturity, I actually began to feel quite comfortable working in the ether of electronics theory. Once the mystery of how the physics worked was resolved in my mind and how to use the myriad pieces of test equipment to analyze something that was broken, I did feel rather comfortable with the medium. We harness the power of the atom in vacuum tubes, transistors, diodes, resistors, capacitors, boiling them all down into integrated circuits and controlling it all with various voltage levels. Amazing stuff that the casual user takes for granted. Most people don’t understand how it all works and couldn’t care less as long as the thing comes on and does what we want when the power button is pressed. When it breaks, especially in this consumer driven “want it to work right now” world that we live in, most folks will just buy a new one. For me though, I can’t bring myself to discard something that probably just needs a little help. It was apparent to me that I needed to apply some of the training I’d been blessed with and the natural tendency to fix things I’d been born with to bring my computer back to life.
Along the way, during my electronics education, I did receive instruction in computer operation and maintenance. Most of what I learned though was archaic by today’s standards and had entirely different purposes than what the average pc is used for today. None the less, I felt more than equipped to deal with a dead pc when mine bit the dust recently. I mean let’s face it; it’s just a little box that sits on your desk and does not appear very intimidating. I’ve repaired and made functional radios, tactical air navigation devices, control panels, radar, electronic countermeasures systems, etc. I can handle this, even without test equipment. Since any documentation for a computer that you buy off the shelf these days has virtually zero information on repair I realized that I’d have to search the web for some lead that would set me off in the right direction. I plugged in my problem to search engines and did find some useful info here and there but without fail, every thread that would have led me to a solution just stopped at some point without an answer. Others with pc troubles that queried those threads evidently resolved their issue at some point and left the discussion without revealing what their problem was and how they solved it.
I had by this point opened the case and looked for the blatant blown something or other but there was nothing obvious. The best I could determine with a volt/ohm meter, the operating voltages seemed to be there. Nothing smelled or looked fried. Even when I thought about what had actually happened the day it died there didn’t seem to be any reason for it to stop working. The only thing I could think of that may have contributed to this predicament was that my house air conditioner had been on the fritz for a couple of weeks. Heat can definitely cause problems like this. Considering what might be the fastest way to get computing again, the quick answer was to start swapping parts until something changed. That may sound good initially but I did not have spare parts and trying to live life within my means, throwing money at it just wasn’t an option. I knew that I’d have to replace something but that little voice in my head kept repeating, in an ancient Chinese accent “choose wisely grasshopper”. I suppose that some machines have lots of stuff in the case but once I’d had a gander inside mine I realized there really isn’t much in there. Since my computer wouldn’t power on at all, I figured the drives were probably ok and that my trouble was with one of three things, the power supply, the motherboard or the microprocessor which sits on the motherboard. The processor fan did come on every time I pushed the power switch but nothing else would run. That motherboard is the conduit for all things that go on in a computer. I decided that would be my first move. That’s when I started to visit some of the web sites that sell all things pc.
A couple of major players in the build it yourself or buy your own parts to repair are newegg and tigerdirect. If you’ve never visited these people you would be amazed at the overwhelming array of choices they offer. I looked for days at all manner of motherboards and when I did finally choose one I can honestly say that it wasn’t because I knew that this particular device would be best suited for me. I did, by this time, have a fundamental understanding of what I was looking at and what it would do but in the end based my decision on two things, price and consumer ratings. When you’re faced with how many ram slots, ddr2 or ddr3, various i/o configurations, pci, pci16, form factors and the like it starts to become a maze and you’re left wondering and wavering in your decision. When it came to my home I was pretty excited and very expectant that I’d be up and surfing again in short order. Wrong. I still had the exact same problem. I talked to my best friend about it. She said “I think it’s the power supply”. Once I had made the decision to try that, I had this dawning realization that I was probably going to end up spending about as much to fix this thing as I would to just buy another low end pc like the one I had. The thing is though that another off the shelf, inexpensive computer could easily present the same problems that I have now, a year from now. Besides, there’s all that trashy software that manufactures load on those things that are just memory hogs and annoying at best. That’s when I rationalized a new case. Better cooling for sure and if the microprocessor was still ok then it would definitely need better cooling so a little cooling tower for the big chip would be in order. Going to need a couple of tools and I’m going to need a wireless mouse. Once you get going…….. So, the power supply comes along with the other items. Again I’m excited and spend an evening putting it all together. Does it work at last? No. That leaves me with one last option. I don’t really want to replace the processor but I start studying them feeling that it will probably be inevitable. I think what convinced me that it couldn’t be anything but that is a web site I stumbled upon that was obviously put together by the coolest computer geek that I’ve ever met. This guy laid out so much information in such a clear and concise manner that I immediately understood what had happened and why my computer was behaving the way it was. Wonderful. When I started looking for a replacement brain chip I was again overwhelmed by the sheer number of possibilities and ultimately called the manufacturer of my motherboard for advice. Nice guy that gave me a little advice on suitable replacement and some info on the board bios. I got the part, put it in the machine and voila! My hard drive booted, the monitor lit up and after some tweaking with drivers, all was well. I’m still amazed every time I push that power switch on my new Cooler Master case.
Really, it was a pretty interesting experience. I learned a lot about how these things we so readily take for granted work and what can be done to resolve problems that arise when they don’t. Though I’ve always had a passing interest in the mechanics of how a pc works, I’ve never had a real need to actually get in there and deal with it on this level. To tell you the truth, I enjoyed it very much. I’ve even started to read e-zines and magazines on hardware and software. When the cash is available, I may just rebuild the old machine that I had and give it to one of my kids. Hummmmm……..maybe a gaming computer?
Along the way, during my electronics education, I did receive instruction in computer operation and maintenance. Most of what I learned though was archaic by today’s standards and had entirely different purposes than what the average pc is used for today. None the less, I felt more than equipped to deal with a dead pc when mine bit the dust recently. I mean let’s face it; it’s just a little box that sits on your desk and does not appear very intimidating. I’ve repaired and made functional radios, tactical air navigation devices, control panels, radar, electronic countermeasures systems, etc. I can handle this, even without test equipment. Since any documentation for a computer that you buy off the shelf these days has virtually zero information on repair I realized that I’d have to search the web for some lead that would set me off in the right direction. I plugged in my problem to search engines and did find some useful info here and there but without fail, every thread that would have led me to a solution just stopped at some point without an answer. Others with pc troubles that queried those threads evidently resolved their issue at some point and left the discussion without revealing what their problem was and how they solved it.
I had by this point opened the case and looked for the blatant blown something or other but there was nothing obvious. The best I could determine with a volt/ohm meter, the operating voltages seemed to be there. Nothing smelled or looked fried. Even when I thought about what had actually happened the day it died there didn’t seem to be any reason for it to stop working. The only thing I could think of that may have contributed to this predicament was that my house air conditioner had been on the fritz for a couple of weeks. Heat can definitely cause problems like this. Considering what might be the fastest way to get computing again, the quick answer was to start swapping parts until something changed. That may sound good initially but I did not have spare parts and trying to live life within my means, throwing money at it just wasn’t an option. I knew that I’d have to replace something but that little voice in my head kept repeating, in an ancient Chinese accent “choose wisely grasshopper”. I suppose that some machines have lots of stuff in the case but once I’d had a gander inside mine I realized there really isn’t much in there. Since my computer wouldn’t power on at all, I figured the drives were probably ok and that my trouble was with one of three things, the power supply, the motherboard or the microprocessor which sits on the motherboard. The processor fan did come on every time I pushed the power switch but nothing else would run. That motherboard is the conduit for all things that go on in a computer. I decided that would be my first move. That’s when I started to visit some of the web sites that sell all things pc.
A couple of major players in the build it yourself or buy your own parts to repair are newegg and tigerdirect. If you’ve never visited these people you would be amazed at the overwhelming array of choices they offer. I looked for days at all manner of motherboards and when I did finally choose one I can honestly say that it wasn’t because I knew that this particular device would be best suited for me. I did, by this time, have a fundamental understanding of what I was looking at and what it would do but in the end based my decision on two things, price and consumer ratings. When you’re faced with how many ram slots, ddr2 or ddr3, various i/o configurations, pci, pci16, form factors and the like it starts to become a maze and you’re left wondering and wavering in your decision. When it came to my home I was pretty excited and very expectant that I’d be up and surfing again in short order. Wrong. I still had the exact same problem. I talked to my best friend about it. She said “I think it’s the power supply”. Once I had made the decision to try that, I had this dawning realization that I was probably going to end up spending about as much to fix this thing as I would to just buy another low end pc like the one I had. The thing is though that another off the shelf, inexpensive computer could easily present the same problems that I have now, a year from now. Besides, there’s all that trashy software that manufactures load on those things that are just memory hogs and annoying at best. That’s when I rationalized a new case. Better cooling for sure and if the microprocessor was still ok then it would definitely need better cooling so a little cooling tower for the big chip would be in order. Going to need a couple of tools and I’m going to need a wireless mouse. Once you get going…….. So, the power supply comes along with the other items. Again I’m excited and spend an evening putting it all together. Does it work at last? No. That leaves me with one last option. I don’t really want to replace the processor but I start studying them feeling that it will probably be inevitable. I think what convinced me that it couldn’t be anything but that is a web site I stumbled upon that was obviously put together by the coolest computer geek that I’ve ever met. This guy laid out so much information in such a clear and concise manner that I immediately understood what had happened and why my computer was behaving the way it was. Wonderful. When I started looking for a replacement brain chip I was again overwhelmed by the sheer number of possibilities and ultimately called the manufacturer of my motherboard for advice. Nice guy that gave me a little advice on suitable replacement and some info on the board bios. I got the part, put it in the machine and voila! My hard drive booted, the monitor lit up and after some tweaking with drivers, all was well. I’m still amazed every time I push that power switch on my new Cooler Master case.
Really, it was a pretty interesting experience. I learned a lot about how these things we so readily take for granted work and what can be done to resolve problems that arise when they don’t. Though I’ve always had a passing interest in the mechanics of how a pc works, I’ve never had a real need to actually get in there and deal with it on this level. To tell you the truth, I enjoyed it very much. I’ve even started to read e-zines and magazines on hardware and software. When the cash is available, I may just rebuild the old machine that I had and give it to one of my kids. Hummmmm……..maybe a gaming computer?
Monday, July 5, 2010
Who's A Tarheel.....Me?
Yes, I suppose so. Considering I was born in the great state of North Carolina I can unequivocally declare that I am indeed a Tarheel. I have not lived there for many years but as I grow older, the desire to return to the land of my roots grows stronger most every day. It didn’t seem to be such a great place when I was young. Being the tender hearted kid that I was, it took some getting used to the bullying and fist fights that young boys are prone to favor. I guess it’s no different than any other place on earth where boys are growing up but, back then it seemed like a very rough way to live one’s life. By the time I was 12 years old it seemed apparent to me that each day when I left our little home I was gonna have to fight somebody. In the beginning I got beat up a lot but in time, I learned to adapt. Once I figured out the very real truth that I needed to pick some fights and win them then followed through on this knowledge, it did become more bearable for me personally. Fundamentally I had to adopt the credo to never back down and really, it boiled down to a question of respect and bragging rights. By the time I turned 14, my folks wanted to move to South Carolina where my stepdad was from and I remember the day we left, clearly thinking how happy I was to be moving. The years do roll on by though and with that comes some wisdom and understanding. Though I have traveled the world and all over this country, I’ve always had this soft voice in my heart whispering “come home”.
I remember the years that I attended junior high school there and I clearly remember having to study North Carolina history. The sad truth of the matter is that I wasn’t very interested and really didn’t learn much. That is truthfully a shame and the reality of that fact came to visit me one day when I was on active duty in the US Armed Forces. I had been assigned to do a stint in the galley (kitchen and associated appointments, for you land lubbers) and one of the young men there asked me where I was from. He was from Virginia if I rightly recall. When I told him North Carolina, he looked at me for a moment and called me a Tarheel. I bowed up proud with a grin and said yes I am. That’s when he asked me if I knew where that name came from. Though I did not, I said that I did and he of course put me on the spot by asking me to explain. When I fumbled around with the thing for a bit he told me in a condescending tone that the name Tarheel came from the Civil War (some people in the south call this the War of Northern Aggression). He went on further to say that it derived from the fact that soldiers from North Carolina were reluctant to get into the fight, holding back while soldiers from Virginia were leading the way in combat. In his explanation, the Carolina soldiers had tar on their heels using this as a metaphor for cowardice. Of course I blustered about that for minute but then went my own way. Honestly, I was ashamed because I did not know the truth of the name’s origin and could not refute this goober’s accusation. If I had only known then what I know now someone else would have been walking away shameful that day.
Tarheel, it is an odd name, yeah? Though the guy from Virginia did have one aspect of the origin right, the most questionable part was a total reverse of the truth. Historically, when North Carolina was a colony of the British Crown, they were an important source of the naval stores tar, pitch and turpentine used primarily by the English navy. It is said that at one time over 100,000 barrels of tar and pitch were shipped annually to England. Some historians claim that North Carolina led the world in production of naval stores from 1720 to 1870. Back in those days, they made the tar by piling up pine logs and burning them. The tar ran out of the pile into a channel for collection. The people of North Carolina were often referred to as Tar Boilers during that time and the name was not meant as a kindness but rather as a slur. Somehow along the way, about the time of the Civil War, the name had evolved into Tarheel but was still seen as derisive. Time passed though and the war progressed. The men of North Carolina that fought were brave and courageous. It is written in the third volume of Walter Clark’s “Histories of the Several Regiments from North Carolina in the Great War” that the nickname Tarheel came from the Carolina troop’s ability to hold ground in a battle. According to the book, North Carolina troops held their ground in Virginia while other supporting troops (Virginians) retreated. I’m sure the supporting troops were ashamed of their own running away from the conflict and taunted the Carolinians about the tar they were famous for and asked if there was any more for sale “down in the old north state”. The boys from Carolina said “No, old Jeff has bought it all up. He’s going to put on you’ns heels to make you stick better in the next fight”. In my mind, it is shameful and dishonorable to mask what is ones own historical cowardice by falsely claiming that cowardice belongs to another entity that had proven themselves valiant in the face of open war. If I could only face that question, from so long ago, again today.
Originally, I’m from an area of the state known as the Piedmont. You may wonder what that means and if you look it up in a dictionary you’ll find that it is defined as a plateau region between the Atlantic coastal plain and the Appalachian Mountains. The Piedmont extends from New York down through Alabama. It’s not exclusive to North Carolina but my home is the only place I’ve ever known that identifies itself to that geographic region. The state is divided into three sections, the Coastal Plain, the Piedmont and the Blue Ridge/Appalachian Mountains. It’s all beautiful and has a rich history that worth knowing. For the most part, the people are kind, wise and generous. There are some of the best universities in the world there. It is a center for some of the most advanced technical and medical research on the planet. Thinking back on what others have said about my own countrymen, I have a tendency to sneer “Tar Boilers, Indeed!”
When I was younger, I didn’t think about such things. Looking back on most of my adult life, I feel as if I’ve been somewhat a vagabond. Moving from here to there, I’ve never really had the feeling of being still. Like this is where I’ll live out the rest of my days. This is the place where they will put me in the ground. Funny how life seems to come around full circle, isn’t it? I just think that it may be time for me to go home.
I remember the years that I attended junior high school there and I clearly remember having to study North Carolina history. The sad truth of the matter is that I wasn’t very interested and really didn’t learn much. That is truthfully a shame and the reality of that fact came to visit me one day when I was on active duty in the US Armed Forces. I had been assigned to do a stint in the galley (kitchen and associated appointments, for you land lubbers) and one of the young men there asked me where I was from. He was from Virginia if I rightly recall. When I told him North Carolina, he looked at me for a moment and called me a Tarheel. I bowed up proud with a grin and said yes I am. That’s when he asked me if I knew where that name came from. Though I did not, I said that I did and he of course put me on the spot by asking me to explain. When I fumbled around with the thing for a bit he told me in a condescending tone that the name Tarheel came from the Civil War (some people in the south call this the War of Northern Aggression). He went on further to say that it derived from the fact that soldiers from North Carolina were reluctant to get into the fight, holding back while soldiers from Virginia were leading the way in combat. In his explanation, the Carolina soldiers had tar on their heels using this as a metaphor for cowardice. Of course I blustered about that for minute but then went my own way. Honestly, I was ashamed because I did not know the truth of the name’s origin and could not refute this goober’s accusation. If I had only known then what I know now someone else would have been walking away shameful that day.
Tarheel, it is an odd name, yeah? Though the guy from Virginia did have one aspect of the origin right, the most questionable part was a total reverse of the truth. Historically, when North Carolina was a colony of the British Crown, they were an important source of the naval stores tar, pitch and turpentine used primarily by the English navy. It is said that at one time over 100,000 barrels of tar and pitch were shipped annually to England. Some historians claim that North Carolina led the world in production of naval stores from 1720 to 1870. Back in those days, they made the tar by piling up pine logs and burning them. The tar ran out of the pile into a channel for collection. The people of North Carolina were often referred to as Tar Boilers during that time and the name was not meant as a kindness but rather as a slur. Somehow along the way, about the time of the Civil War, the name had evolved into Tarheel but was still seen as derisive. Time passed though and the war progressed. The men of North Carolina that fought were brave and courageous. It is written in the third volume of Walter Clark’s “Histories of the Several Regiments from North Carolina in the Great War” that the nickname Tarheel came from the Carolina troop’s ability to hold ground in a battle. According to the book, North Carolina troops held their ground in Virginia while other supporting troops (Virginians) retreated. I’m sure the supporting troops were ashamed of their own running away from the conflict and taunted the Carolinians about the tar they were famous for and asked if there was any more for sale “down in the old north state”. The boys from Carolina said “No, old Jeff has bought it all up. He’s going to put on you’ns heels to make you stick better in the next fight”. In my mind, it is shameful and dishonorable to mask what is ones own historical cowardice by falsely claiming that cowardice belongs to another entity that had proven themselves valiant in the face of open war. If I could only face that question, from so long ago, again today.
Originally, I’m from an area of the state known as the Piedmont. You may wonder what that means and if you look it up in a dictionary you’ll find that it is defined as a plateau region between the Atlantic coastal plain and the Appalachian Mountains. The Piedmont extends from New York down through Alabama. It’s not exclusive to North Carolina but my home is the only place I’ve ever known that identifies itself to that geographic region. The state is divided into three sections, the Coastal Plain, the Piedmont and the Blue Ridge/Appalachian Mountains. It’s all beautiful and has a rich history that worth knowing. For the most part, the people are kind, wise and generous. There are some of the best universities in the world there. It is a center for some of the most advanced technical and medical research on the planet. Thinking back on what others have said about my own countrymen, I have a tendency to sneer “Tar Boilers, Indeed!”
When I was younger, I didn’t think about such things. Looking back on most of my adult life, I feel as if I’ve been somewhat a vagabond. Moving from here to there, I’ve never really had the feeling of being still. Like this is where I’ll live out the rest of my days. This is the place where they will put me in the ground. Funny how life seems to come around full circle, isn’t it? I just think that it may be time for me to go home.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Lightning
It’s the spring season here. Last night, we were graced by a little rain with the added bonus of some lightning and soft thunder. I heard a rumble in the distance and went out on my porch to take it in. Off to the south, I could see the lightning as it flickered across the sky. It seemed almost alive, as if it were its own entity, absorbed in its own interest. As if it had its own consciousness and, an awareness that I was watching from a distance. It’s voice of thunder telling me “not yet, not yet, I will visit you in time”. I was reminded a movie that I once watched where this Fire Marshall was interviewing a known arsonist. Of course, the interviewee was a bit nuts but he asked the investigator, who had been present at a particularly dangerous fire, “did it look at you”? That thought crossed my mind as I watched. Did it look at me? I guess it is human nature to try and rationalize powerful things that we really don’t understand. Maybe we do this so we can deal with them emotionally and psychologically in our humanness. Kind of like bringing them down to our level, though we see the power and grandeur of such things and inherently understand that they are beyond us, we seek a connection that we can deal with. That seems reasonable on the one hand, arrogant on the other. I suppose it could be our penchant for possession and control that drives this. I wonder, is that why we make so much effort to humanize God? In the Bible, Isaiah wrote “shall the clay say to him that fashioneth it, what makest thou?”. We humans are so fragile and yet we don’t seem to realize it. There are so many powerful forces in our world, this earth, that we have absolutely no control over. This is just one of them. It really is pretty amazing stuff this natural phenomenon, lightning.
It’s interesting, don’t you think, how given any number of people there will be an equal number of differing perceptions about something like lightning. When I was a kid, the older people in my family would tell us children to be quiet and still during a lightning storm. It’s God’s work and voice in play and we needed to be still in reverence. Dean Koontz wrote a book named Lightning (which I read several times and thought was an excellent story) where the power of a lightning storm was used as a vehicle for time travel. Throughout history various peoples have accounted lightning to their own gods. According to Wikipedia, the Greeks felt that lightning represented Zeus. Supposedly when Zeus was at war with Cronus and the Titans, he released his brothers Hades and Poseidon along with the Cyclops and the Cyclops gave him the thunderbolt as a weapon. The symbology for a thunderbolt is evidently a zigzag with non-pointed ends and represents speed and power. Lightning and thunder has also been used as a means of divination and is called ceraunoscopy. Divining what, I’m not so sure of but I am confident that it would have been used to resolve most of the same human questions and problems that we experience today. In the Jewish religion a blessing is to be recited when seeing lightning, “He who does acts of creation”.
After doing some reading and research, I was pretty much amazed at the amount of information available about lightning. Of course, there is much scientific data that can be digested about it and a seemingly endless supply of resources to learn from. Honestly, I was struck by how ignorant I really am about this thing. I’ve always loved earth science but I guess this area must have escaped me. It forces me to consider just how many other aspects concerning the earth’s physical properties have also escaped my understanding. The most significant thing I can remember is a discussion in class about whether lightning strikes up or down. Considering the basic concept of electron flow in an electrical circuit, it would seem that electrons would flow from negative to positive. The lightning bolt should discharge from the earth, which appears to be negative or at ground potential, to a more positively charged cloud once there was an imbalance in the two charges, kind of like a capacitor. Yeah??? I think this is a very basic synopsis of what’s called “leader and return stroke” so I’d have to say that fundamentally, yeah it does but it really happens in both directions and most catastrophically in the cloud to ground sort. What I thought was interesting is the variety of different types of lightning and their descriptions. Take these names for instance: Cloud to ground (of course), Bead, Ribbon, Staccato, Forked, Sheet, Heat, Dry, and Ball lightning. There are even descriptive names like Sprites (taken from Shakespeare’s Midsummer Night’s Dream), Blue Jets and Elves which is really an acronym for Emissions of Light and Very Low Frequency Perturbations from Electromagnetic Pulse Sources. That really is a handful of words. I say just stick with Elves.
All in all, I enjoy the logic and science behind this sort of thing but in my heart am more akin to feelings of awe, mystery and the power behind it. To me, it’s like the mist in the mountains or the movement of the sea. Something I have no control over and am, by the very nature of it, force to accept as something beyond myself. Not something to worship, but still something to see as created by the one that deserves my worship. Lightning, like other natural events such as volcanic eruptions, earthquakes, tidal waves, floods, the aurora borealis, etc, have a way of putting things in perspective for me. It helps remind me that I am human, that I am not invincible, that there is a higher power and that I need to be grateful for the existence that I have. I am always astonished by such events in that they always bring me a sense of relevance in this wide world. They bring a sense of place and occasionally, a little inspiration.
It’s interesting, don’t you think, how given any number of people there will be an equal number of differing perceptions about something like lightning. When I was a kid, the older people in my family would tell us children to be quiet and still during a lightning storm. It’s God’s work and voice in play and we needed to be still in reverence. Dean Koontz wrote a book named Lightning (which I read several times and thought was an excellent story) where the power of a lightning storm was used as a vehicle for time travel. Throughout history various peoples have accounted lightning to their own gods. According to Wikipedia, the Greeks felt that lightning represented Zeus. Supposedly when Zeus was at war with Cronus and the Titans, he released his brothers Hades and Poseidon along with the Cyclops and the Cyclops gave him the thunderbolt as a weapon. The symbology for a thunderbolt is evidently a zigzag with non-pointed ends and represents speed and power. Lightning and thunder has also been used as a means of divination and is called ceraunoscopy. Divining what, I’m not so sure of but I am confident that it would have been used to resolve most of the same human questions and problems that we experience today. In the Jewish religion a blessing is to be recited when seeing lightning, “He who does acts of creation”.
After doing some reading and research, I was pretty much amazed at the amount of information available about lightning. Of course, there is much scientific data that can be digested about it and a seemingly endless supply of resources to learn from. Honestly, I was struck by how ignorant I really am about this thing. I’ve always loved earth science but I guess this area must have escaped me. It forces me to consider just how many other aspects concerning the earth’s physical properties have also escaped my understanding. The most significant thing I can remember is a discussion in class about whether lightning strikes up or down. Considering the basic concept of electron flow in an electrical circuit, it would seem that electrons would flow from negative to positive. The lightning bolt should discharge from the earth, which appears to be negative or at ground potential, to a more positively charged cloud once there was an imbalance in the two charges, kind of like a capacitor. Yeah??? I think this is a very basic synopsis of what’s called “leader and return stroke” so I’d have to say that fundamentally, yeah it does but it really happens in both directions and most catastrophically in the cloud to ground sort. What I thought was interesting is the variety of different types of lightning and their descriptions. Take these names for instance: Cloud to ground (of course), Bead, Ribbon, Staccato, Forked, Sheet, Heat, Dry, and Ball lightning. There are even descriptive names like Sprites (taken from Shakespeare’s Midsummer Night’s Dream), Blue Jets and Elves which is really an acronym for Emissions of Light and Very Low Frequency Perturbations from Electromagnetic Pulse Sources. That really is a handful of words. I say just stick with Elves.
All in all, I enjoy the logic and science behind this sort of thing but in my heart am more akin to feelings of awe, mystery and the power behind it. To me, it’s like the mist in the mountains or the movement of the sea. Something I have no control over and am, by the very nature of it, force to accept as something beyond myself. Not something to worship, but still something to see as created by the one that deserves my worship. Lightning, like other natural events such as volcanic eruptions, earthquakes, tidal waves, floods, the aurora borealis, etc, have a way of putting things in perspective for me. It helps remind me that I am human, that I am not invincible, that there is a higher power and that I need to be grateful for the existence that I have. I am always astonished by such events in that they always bring me a sense of relevance in this wide world. They bring a sense of place and occasionally, a little inspiration.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Incomprehensible Loss
Nearly every day of my life, my youngest daughter calls me on the phone to ask how my day was and to say she loves me. How wonderful and faithful is that? When my cell phone rang the other day on my drive home and it said “mom’s cell” on the caller ID I immediately asked, when I pushed the green button, “child, why are you calling me on your mom’s phone”. The response wasn’t what I expected. “Because it is the mom”, the voice replied. Now my former spouse and I do talk to each other on occasion and since we got past the three year mark in this divorce, it has mostly been open, warm and connected. This day however, she was crying and distraught. You see she is a midwife and delivers babies, primarily in the home of expectant moms. I can’t tell you how many she has delivered but there are hundreds of children, alive on this earth today, that were caught with her hands. I know from living in that world for so long that midwifery is a very personal thing. Most of the time there is real bonding between her and the pregnant mom. It isn’t just a business relationship. It’s a very human and intimate thing. From a bystanders perspective it’s really quite amazing. I think it’s kind of like a love relationship, that of family and home. As if those who touch us, and those we touch, teach us and help us to grow into who we are. Somehow, being close to the birth of a child always seemed to make me feel better as a person. It’s as if the experience is pure joy, a renewal of life that seems to make us whole.
Though we chatted briefly, it didn’t take long for her to say that she just needed someone to talk to. She was on the way back to her house and was thinking about the loss that one of her families had just experienced. A child that she delivered had died and she had just left the funeral. I know she was grieving for the baby and the parents and that was a part of what she was feeling but her primary concern was for how the service was handled by the men of the family’s church. Now this isn’t my former spouse’s church. She doesn’t attend any kind of Christian services. She is, in fact, a pagan by her own profession. When we were married, we lived our lives as Christians but once that marriage relationship ended, she almost immediately renounced Christ and declared to all concerned her distain for Christian values. From her perspective, the Christian faith is cruel. How could a God of love threaten His people with the prospect of hell? How could a God of love allow a two year old child to die such a sudden, tragic and apparently painful death?
During the service, one of the men stood up to speak. From what I was told, he basically had a cavalier attitude about the whole thing and said that at least now the parents wouldn’t have to deal with another rebellious teenager. Then he mentioned that the child’s death was the hand of God, moving with the purpose of bringing others to Christ. Listening to her on the phone, I have no doubt those were his words. If it had been me, I want to believe that I would have chosen to say something different. I would have said something that would have brought the child’s beauty and brightness and joy back to remembrance, if only for a bit. I would have recalled how she had brought happiness and love to the family and how sorely she will be missed. I would have tried to console the parents and other children of that family with the knowledge that the little girl was with the Lord and that she is at peace and happy. Taking in the words of my former spouse, it was obvious to me that she felt angry with the man because of his apparent insensitivity and manipulation of the dire circumstances to try and proselytize those in attendance to the service. To me, the adults that were there are most probably intelligent enough, sensitive enough and aware enough of the precepts offered by Christianity to know that the choice is theirs. God offers salvation through grace to any that will accept it. The choice belongs to each individual.
In time, I asked her about the circumstances of the accident. It seems the mom was away on some errand and the dad was there at the home with the children. From what I understand, this two year old little girl was in the front yard playing with a nine year old neighbor. The two children wandered over to a neighbor’s driveway and the small child was standing behind an automobile when a seventeen year old ran out of the house and jumped into the car, put it into reverse and started to back out of the drive. He, or she, didn’t look to see if the drive was clear. Do any of us, most of the time? I felt immediate sorrow for that teenager. How must that child be handling the fact that he (or she) ran over a little baby? My first reaction was “where was the dad”? “Why had the dad allowed his two year old out of his sight for even a moment”? I felt an initial surge of anger that he had faltered in his physical responsibility as a father. Then, a moment later, I realized that it could have happened to me just as easily. I don’t know how many times I told one of my other children “watch your sister while I’m on the phone, in the bathroom, getting this pasta off the stove”. It can happen in an instant. Maybe it is God’s will. Maybe there is some greater purpose that He has in store. We can’t know the mind of God and the bible says, that He says, “my ways are not your ways”.
I’ve seen this sort of thing happen before in my life. A young child dies, the parents can’t forgive themselves or, assign blame one to the other. The marriage deteriorates and divorce follows. I reminded my former spouse of one incident in particular that she did remember. I tried to console her. I told her that even though it seems cruel that such a bright young light had been extinguished on the earth, God is still in control. The child’s soul, the very essence of who she was on the earth, still lives. I encouraged her to intervene if possible with this man and woman and help them understand that though this tragic thing has happened, they need not let it tear them apart. It could end in guilt and divorce but it could also be a force to hold them together. It can serve as something that will provide the glue which will hold them together for the rest of their lives. Strength and love from this tragedy is just as valid as anger and separation.
Truthfully, this is a sad story. I just hope the family survives. They have my prayers.
Though we chatted briefly, it didn’t take long for her to say that she just needed someone to talk to. She was on the way back to her house and was thinking about the loss that one of her families had just experienced. A child that she delivered had died and she had just left the funeral. I know she was grieving for the baby and the parents and that was a part of what she was feeling but her primary concern was for how the service was handled by the men of the family’s church. Now this isn’t my former spouse’s church. She doesn’t attend any kind of Christian services. She is, in fact, a pagan by her own profession. When we were married, we lived our lives as Christians but once that marriage relationship ended, she almost immediately renounced Christ and declared to all concerned her distain for Christian values. From her perspective, the Christian faith is cruel. How could a God of love threaten His people with the prospect of hell? How could a God of love allow a two year old child to die such a sudden, tragic and apparently painful death?
During the service, one of the men stood up to speak. From what I was told, he basically had a cavalier attitude about the whole thing and said that at least now the parents wouldn’t have to deal with another rebellious teenager. Then he mentioned that the child’s death was the hand of God, moving with the purpose of bringing others to Christ. Listening to her on the phone, I have no doubt those were his words. If it had been me, I want to believe that I would have chosen to say something different. I would have said something that would have brought the child’s beauty and brightness and joy back to remembrance, if only for a bit. I would have recalled how she had brought happiness and love to the family and how sorely she will be missed. I would have tried to console the parents and other children of that family with the knowledge that the little girl was with the Lord and that she is at peace and happy. Taking in the words of my former spouse, it was obvious to me that she felt angry with the man because of his apparent insensitivity and manipulation of the dire circumstances to try and proselytize those in attendance to the service. To me, the adults that were there are most probably intelligent enough, sensitive enough and aware enough of the precepts offered by Christianity to know that the choice is theirs. God offers salvation through grace to any that will accept it. The choice belongs to each individual.
In time, I asked her about the circumstances of the accident. It seems the mom was away on some errand and the dad was there at the home with the children. From what I understand, this two year old little girl was in the front yard playing with a nine year old neighbor. The two children wandered over to a neighbor’s driveway and the small child was standing behind an automobile when a seventeen year old ran out of the house and jumped into the car, put it into reverse and started to back out of the drive. He, or she, didn’t look to see if the drive was clear. Do any of us, most of the time? I felt immediate sorrow for that teenager. How must that child be handling the fact that he (or she) ran over a little baby? My first reaction was “where was the dad”? “Why had the dad allowed his two year old out of his sight for even a moment”? I felt an initial surge of anger that he had faltered in his physical responsibility as a father. Then, a moment later, I realized that it could have happened to me just as easily. I don’t know how many times I told one of my other children “watch your sister while I’m on the phone, in the bathroom, getting this pasta off the stove”. It can happen in an instant. Maybe it is God’s will. Maybe there is some greater purpose that He has in store. We can’t know the mind of God and the bible says, that He says, “my ways are not your ways”.
I’ve seen this sort of thing happen before in my life. A young child dies, the parents can’t forgive themselves or, assign blame one to the other. The marriage deteriorates and divorce follows. I reminded my former spouse of one incident in particular that she did remember. I tried to console her. I told her that even though it seems cruel that such a bright young light had been extinguished on the earth, God is still in control. The child’s soul, the very essence of who she was on the earth, still lives. I encouraged her to intervene if possible with this man and woman and help them understand that though this tragic thing has happened, they need not let it tear them apart. It could end in guilt and divorce but it could also be a force to hold them together. It can serve as something that will provide the glue which will hold them together for the rest of their lives. Strength and love from this tragedy is just as valid as anger and separation.
Truthfully, this is a sad story. I just hope the family survives. They have my prayers.
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