Thoughts on a Spring Day

I think most people really enjoy the Spring season. It seems to remind them that life always buds anew. I like it too but on this day, I feel some trepidation about life. Like I’ve said before, I feel a bit lost sometimes. Today is one of those days. There seem to be so many questions in my life that do not have answers and I truthfully do not know where to turn or where to seek those answers. It leads me to daydream about how things could be if some of the circumstances were different in my life. What if I had stayed in the military for 30 years instead of 20? Would I be geographically situated in the place I am now? What if I had not gone through divorce? Would the attitudes and perspectives of my kids be as they are now? Would my oldest daughter be estranged from her mother and siblings? What if I had chosen a different, second, career path? Would I be working the 9 to 5 grind with a daily commute and the struggle to pay debts? I guess my feelings about some of these things aren’t so different from many people on earth today. Possibly, there are millions and maybe billions of folks that are in the same situation as me. I heard this guy on the radio talking about how kids see their parents. One of the things he said was that parents weren’t always boring. That they were at some point interesting and fun to be around. It was the daily grind of paying the bills, feeding the kids, cleaning up after the kids and worrying over them that made them who they are today. I can see that as truth. It seems like the years get heavier as they pass on by.

Things aren’t different though. They are today just as they are and no amount of speculation changes that. As I sat on my porch this morning, drinking coffee, looking out at the street in front of my house, I easily slipped into a fantasy of being in the mountains. Sitting there looking out over the forest covered hills and the little coves of green that have been carved out of the valleys, I could see myself financially secure and without an obligation to run with the rats. My kids all loved me and wanted to spend time close to me. I did not owe anyone money and could pursue the day as I chose. Some of that firewood needs to be split and laid up for winter. The early garden wants to be weeded a bit and eggs need to be collected from the chicken coop. I want to plant those sunflower seeds on the southeast side of the house. Later, in the afternoon, I may go down to the village store and hang out with some of those guys. It’s a nice place really. An old building that sells food, gas, hardware and an assortment of oddities that somebody may want in time. There are chairs to lounge in, coffee to drink and the conversation is always good. Maybe a drive though the mountains would be nice. I’ve been wanting to hike that one trail again. It’s not a tough hike, there are some beautiful vistas and it’s mostly shaded. There are a few streams and low waterfalls that are just magical.

I really don’t want to be without an occupation and I think it’s important for a man to be employed at something. Maybe a small restaurant that just does really good soup and sandwiches. I think that morning coffee with homemade scones, cookies and cinnamon rolls, serving the local people in the small town would be a good thing. The money made would not need to be as important as the connection with the people and the positive impression of grace that could be made on their lives. I believe that volunteer work could be considered an occupation. Being an interpreter for the natural setting that visitors find themselves in would be good. When I was a kid we used to visit the mountains every year and one of my favorite things to do would be attend the lectures given by the park rangers in the campground amphitheater. Being a natural history guide on the trails would be fun I think. In our busy lives we cruise through beautiful places oohing and ahhing, snapping a few photos and moving on at a fairly quick pace. I know how vacations are. With limited time and resources, there is an inherent sensation that we’ve got to move on to the next place so we can see it all. The opportunity to lead a few people through a few miles and helping them open their eyes, ears and minds to the flora, fauna and history of a place would be good for everyone involved. I like physical stuff too. Clearing and maintaining mountain trails has always been an interest of mine. Though it could be solitary work at times, the peace and quiet of the environment, the connection to the land would be worth it I think. Doing work that benefits others seems like a noble and satisfying endeavor. I know that I have at many times thought with kindness of those unseen, unnamed souls that made my hike doable and even pleasant.

To be in a place where you can do what you want with the time you’re given in this life seems ideal, doesn’t it? How did we get to where we are now though? Certainly there are things that most of us would never do over again as it would take away some of the joys and sorrows that made us who we are. I suppose everyone makes mistakes in life that seem regrettable on down the road and they, in part, shape us into the people we have become. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. I wonder though if I can take who I’ve become and allow that person to grow into who I want to be. Where to start at this late stage in my life? If you don’t like who you are or the circumstances you find yourself in, how do you turn it around? I’ve seen people do it and I know it requires focus and work, which I’m not fearful of, but which direction do I turn to take that first step? Life shouldn’t be just daydreams. Even in the Autumn of one’s days there must be a path to the end and not this aimless wandering. Honestly, I don’t want to accept the ordinary, common existence that I have now as the termination of my trip. Though some might see my morning musings as plain and uninteresting in their mind, to me it would be an exultation. It would be something unequivocal. I understand that any existence has its own set of problems and worries. Maybe I’m just ready for a change and that change is manifesting itself in these, nearly constant, daydreams.

I guess it’s time.